I’ve lost two friends so far, two people whom I thought were my own, I trusted like I trusted me, I thought would always be there like I was there for them. I lost one to jealousy and the other to insecurity.. the second friend has gone far away never to return, the first however, we are working on it after so long a time. We are at the brink of starting afresh! But I don’t know if it will be like the old days. Between the two of them, I feel I knew the first one better than the second. I even had an inkling but with the second friend, it was a shocker, it seemed this person had hidden the real self for so long that what walked out of the closet one day was a different human being!
When we lose friends, that too of the best friends kind, it creates this stone shocked feeling at first. For the initial couple of minutes as it happens, there is no sensation. It is difficult to believe at first that your friend, somebody you held so close did this to you! We are then cold to touch, our brains are like that hearth where the fire has been doused and the room left to remain cold on a wintery night with a window open! But then very few people value friendship and very few people have friends and a friends circle. so touch wood knock wood if you have friends who you can just go to and invite yourself in. Hahaha.. 🙂
Getting back to this sad business of friendship, but then it all comes back in hindsight (at times..) that there were signs this was bound to happen all along, signs which we put aside for the sake of that greater friendship…silly us no!! I’m not talking about those great sacrifices (such things don’t happen, and if it does, it is not friendship) but the little jealousy streaks, the little playful jibes! You know, like, that there is that little open confession ‘I am jealous of you,’ or ‘you don’t seem to miss me when in your other friends’ company’ or ‘you went ahead in spite of me saying no’ kind of statements. (Oh trust me! you don’t need to be in a relationship to have people possessive about you!) But in the larger picture these little streaks and jibes would be minuscule so it can be shoved under the carpet, (I mean who is after all perfect, right!) But in the end, these trivial ones pile up to create that final blow! (Things which you have to strain your grey cells to remember! 😦 )
Now, I am blogging about this today because of two things.One, another friend had a similar experience recently! Somebody who seemed to be their own just left with some inglorious words and action. And in those words and actions, a decade or two of friendship just came tumbling down like a pack of cards..like sour grapes, there were sour, some were even bitter! All that pent up little, little bad streaks and jibes were taken out from under the carpet and was thrown around in a matter of a few minutes! How do you handle when somebody you have known for so long just turns around and comes out as person we have never ever known them ever for, like some of the villains in films, (anupam kher in was it roop ki rani choror ka raja and saikumar in aayushkalam) Jaw dropping! Or just realize that this person whom we considered the best friend was always secretly so jealous of you that they could even kill! Hmpf! because the unexpected happens, may be as people, my friend and I trust our friends immensely or/and we are tolerant as friends.. (I don’t know!) The curtains fell for them anyway.
Two, this is a happy news, a friend of mine has some mind blowing news. And for the first time I realized how much I love this girl to bits because I am immensely happy for her achievement! When she told me the news, I was it was like I had won what she did 🙂 (Oh yes, I have 2-3 friends who are just that way too.. knock wood)
But life goes on.. you meet other people, and become friends.. and the friendship grows! If you are a friendly sort, you get friends. Period. But am I more careful these days, friends just happen to you.. (It take it as if they lose me, they lose a big well wisher). These newer friends of mine have taught me, some of them are just like me.. full on trust, some of us are reflections of each other!
So what’s your test of friendship.. For me a test for friendship is somebody with whom I can argue out something, fight with claws and swords but still come back and sit across a table agreeing to disagree on the given subject, and continue with life like it was before.. without any hard feelings! Oh! you think it does not happen, it does. I am a living example of it.. the person I fight most with is my mother! and she is my bestest of bestest friends! but there are others outside the circle of the family too.
The featured pic is part of our hostel’s entry for this year’s Onam Flower Carpet competition in the making. The picture was taken around 5 in the morning flower carpet making nights are nightouts, though I joined these people only in the morning this time round.