Oh! Still no match for Ur Daughter!?

Feb 20, 2010

Now these things happen on and off. People falling in and out of love, some get married to their sweethearts others marry outside in spite the love that bonded them for a while, while they were together. However, love marriages are not the only way to get married in our society. I know I’m making ridiculous mundane statements first thing in the first few lines of the latest post. What I’m coming to is the problem when an arranged match is delayed, when an alliance is difficult to come by or when alliances are not nearing a prospective groom or bride.

What happens? They age, of course. Time never stands still. It moves on and so does the people involved. So does the worry and anxiety of the parents and this is filtered to their children of marriageable age, especially if the offspring is a daughter and she is residing in the same house. Whether she is employed or waiting at home after her stint in college or …the multiple course she joined, some completed others left half done… to get married, at home in her absence or presence, she becomes the constant subject of conversation; and the talk of the neighbourhood; the innumerable relatives who comes visiting; in their houses and elsewhere.

I sometimes wonder what kind of a mental state the girl would be in, constantly bombarded with the one and only important topic in life: marriage and the non-occurrence of it. Mentally or psychologically euphemistically speaking, she would be upset, pessimistic, ranting and raving and boiling over and yearning to find the man of her life! Escape, would her watch word, I am assuming.

Nevertheless, girls in Indian families are reared in this manner. Maybe, marriage is the first word and concept they hear, learn, understand and internalize! Because it is oft repeated time and again within a family especially if the off springs are girls! With it come the instant distinction, the current temporary address and the future permanent address. I think growing up listening to the multiple facets of this topic, when the girl becomes of marriageable age she too wants to go off to her home. And when marriages get delayed as a result of various reasons, her patience and life also takes a beating. And even within the family people talk and hurt, mother-father-brother-sister, whoever out of their concern, but the words hit the heart! Poor thing!

The ripe age for marriage in India for girls is 23-25 or is it 18-23. Anyway, 25 is the outer limit and when a girl turns 25 she is considered old! Recently, an international model claimed she was too old to walk the ramp because she had turned 23! Occupational hazards, there are certain job profiles that require their staff to be of a certain age. In case of marriage for girls in India, to have an unmarried daughter of say 28 is a shame! People read this situation mostly as poor financial status (read not enough money to give dowry in cash, gold and kind), sickness or abnormalities of the birth stars, moon- and sun-signs, something fishy in the family!

And then, the girl fed up with the taunts decides to get married to the next guy who comes home for the bride-seeing ceremony. Her dreams of her dream guy are compromised somewhere amidst the many ceremonies of the wedding. And when life starts after the D-day, if she is lucky, her groom would turn out to be her dream, hopefully.

Or our girl tired of all the arranged marriage hullaballoo at home looks out for a guy in the neighbourhood and the office she works in or in the bus-stop or these days in the chat rooms and on Orkut and FB etc. on her own. And most likely she would fall flat for a guy who mildly flirts or shows interest in her. I’m not being pessimistic when I say all of these guys are bad. However many are and their intentions vary. But our girl in her state of desperation never opens her eyes wide enough to see any of the wrong details. She sees pink everywhere! It might be too late when reality strikes. Many fall prey to such plots. A need for an immediate release makes many blind to the far away future troubles. Sad!

Now, why do we train our girls from childhood only to achieve the apex called marriage? I think there needs to be some kind of right handbook a how to broach the topic of marriage with their girl children, so that it does not remain the sole aim in their lives or their career goal. Aiming to be an excellent wife is one of the best career options in the world, but not at the cost of anybody’s mental health though!


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pins & ashes

An Aquarius Woman

47 thoughts on “Oh! Still no match for Ur Daughter!?”

  1. Great post. I have seen this happen too. There is terrible amount of pressure on a girl and her family to 'settle' the girl. But we all have also seen happily settled girls who do not marry so early and lead happy lives – it makes no difference when one marries, it really matters WHO one marries…

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  2. It is so sad but true that a girl is constantly groomed for marriage. I know so many girls in this situation. Even independent women feel the same pressure – to get married and in a lot of cases, things happen just the way you described. I so wish things were different.

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  3. Good Morning IHM….Absolutely, what matters is who our partner is and for that person to stand by us through all times, become our support system because marriage is a lifetime institution… the time of marriage is irrelevant. But even in these modern days, speaking of arranged marriages:1. men shy away from marrying older women or in case of women, younger men (it would be revolutionary, but that revolution hasn't hit all stratas of our society)2. With the IT Revolution, many boys get settled at 21 are earning well at 24 and they get married at 25.. so our 27-28 woman looking out to settle in a career these days, experience singlehood and freedom (more and more of them) find themselves wanting to be born a bit later in lives. no available tall dark handsome bachelor waiting to take them away!!3. Men want woman younger to them by a year or two, so the 27-28 year old unmarried woman in the lookout for a groom finds herself looking up at 35 + men with some abnormality not to her taste (u know the drill… not too fair or dark or tall or one a crooked leg or a slur or a squint eye!) Because men of 29 are fully in a family life with kids!Me thinks, the trend is men getting married early and the woman late… wow!!too many things to discuss in this regard! fit for a post not the comment section!

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  4. Hey Smitha, what's cooking in ur oven madam…I assume when u say independent u mean an employed woman, earning her own money and stuff (correct me if I'm wrong, Smitha)… Grooming matters and matters a lot in especially in this case. Because however, employed one might be or earning or independent, the thought flow inside the mind has been tuned to a frequency set in childhood… there are women who break away from this a run a different tune altogether, but we can't peek into their lives to see whether they are absolutely happy or whether is a shades or disappoinment…How things change, of course we won't groom our girls this way, but hope many think our way… Thanking my stars for my parents..we sure are lucky girls:))Between Smitha, I have an mouth watering recipe for 'to die for brownie'. Oh! how I love those cubes of chocolate…still in the look out for a nice baking dish… will mail it to u, pass on ur mail id mine's pinashpinash@gmail:))Good day:)

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  5. Hey Ava, I totally agree with u… singlehood is a phase to be enjoyed like childhood, school, college or the first crush.. missing out on it would mean missing out on a lot in life… enjoy the phase rather than worry But many are groomed not to… blame it on our society what say…Me thinks, never stretch out a phase so much that the resilience is lost… enjoy singlehood, get married or stay single and enjoy and be the envy of many… but be happy not worriedtk

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  6. Thats the sad truth in a majority ! But quietly amidst a growing minority ( currently ), there is such a change thats happening where the thinking and thought are encouraged ! Women grow independent of the marriage core ! Grow up to get married is a silly proposition

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  7. Awesome post… i've infact been thinking about doing a series on the Girl seeing experiences i've gone thru… Am still single, 30 and get this question all the time – no match yet? , dont worry, am sure there is a guy waiting for you, may the next diwali[or wotever hindu fucntion coming up] be ur 1st as a Mrs somebody, hope you get married soon..bla bla.. why dont they realise that i am single cos i have chosen this life… duh!! used to get worked up, n upset but now just take it in my stride n dont reply at all ..I just dont understand why MARRIAGE is like the ultimate – ur life isnt worth it if ur not married.. faced the bitterness of family around inspite of the successes i've achieved n happiness i feel within me!! Sad world we live in… ok, enuf ranting..lemme go hit work!! 😀

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  8. As i was reading, My mind was thinking parallely about someone i know. I don't want to get into much detail. But that person was very lovable, sweet character believing in old school of romance and waited for her perfect match. She was professionally well placed in career too. She never got the right guy. Time flew. She got touched the most dreadful "indian unmarried woman" age of 30. Bogged down by pressure from all sides, she finally got into a wrong relation in a hurry and got shattered and recovering back to normal life now painfully.Our society puts too much pressure on a girl when it comes to marriage especially and at times the very pressure becomes detrimental to the girl.

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  9. Pinnu, this one hurts me more than anything else probably :(A friend of mine forcefully got married off to a man who ws nt fit for her in anyways and even with a lot of stuff for their new home just bcoz she hd turned 30:(She ws well educated and ws earning well, while he ws just 12th pass or so 😦 I am nt saying such ppl can't be gud, but ws it Jealousy or what, that he hardly treated her with any respect 😦 I just hope and pray people learn to give others the space the want and let them lead life the way they want to 😦

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  10. Painfully true! I think this happens in every Indian home where there is a girl. Unknowingly or knowingly there's pressure involved…I only hope that these circumstances changes for good…ps: Thanks for your visit to my blog.Hope you enjoyed ur 'stay' 🙂

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  11. Totally and completely agree with you. There is so much pressure from people, on getting the girl married off. And God forbid, if she is physically not beautiful, then there ends the sanity of it all! She's too dark…too fat..too tall..who will marry her..she must learn to cook.. blah blah. Gosh, if we could just give girls a break…let them decide what they want to do, WHEN they want to get married, and how they want to live their life, instead of just forcing them to tread the beaten path! Great post, PA 🙂 Though, I would love to know your real name and not have to call you PA 🙂

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  12. Very well written but as one of the senior generation my take is that girls/boys of marriageable age are too picky and in my opinion there no such thing as the 'perfect' match. Parents seem to be able to do little about it.

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  13. sad taste of affairs indeed!but can see circumstances changing with more and more women getting to be self sufficient. it is upto all of us to stand up for them and be part of the change at home first and then the society at large.

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  14. very good post!…Inever told my daughter that marriage is her only aim,on the contrary i wanted her to do well in life, but luckily she found her match well in time…but my feeling is that marriage should nevr be the first priority, first education, then being economically independent and then marriage..that is the order of importance to me.

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  15. Ash:A very rampant scenario in our society. I am faced with questions as the ones you have mentioned. I have set priorities about completing my PhD and marrying but in spite that the relatives get uneasy and stifled. I always thought that marriage happens when one is ready for the great change and other things but the people around don't think so.I am fighting against conventions and traditions by postponing my marriage!!!Joy always,Susan

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  16. PA you have written about a 'burning' issue at hand the problem has grown multitude with women becoming more independent …. you know its not only women like you said even men once they 'settle' pressure to get married starts building … actually a man around 30 single means something fishy….come give a break … isn't marriage supposed to be a matter of personal choice and decision

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  17. Wow.I have stumbled on a great blog.The first post on finding a match took my breath away.Wonderfully written capturing the scenes as they happen and portraying truly the feelings of the poor thing.I liked this line very much."She sees pink everywhere" How true.Thanks for your visit to and comment in my blog.I am following your blog.kpartha12@gmail.com

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  18. Good topic you chose…and a great post..You've rightly said that somehow not getting married in the right age becomes almost a curse especially if its a girl. I have a friend who's crossed 30 and not yet married. God knows how much her parents are worried for her. She keeps getting angry and frustrated 'se this topic is the only point of discussion wherever she goes, and honestly I feel she's losing it a bit now and wants people to just let her be.Sad as it is, its hard to say when people will get over this mentality.

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  19. Nice thought provoking post. It is the society that makes these things. I am told things are changing in India nowadays. I hope it is for the good.I am familiar only with Tamil marriages and that too what my parents have told me. I wrote 2 humoros posts about it on Sep 13 and Sep 16, 2009.

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  20. When we wish things for our kids these days, we always tell give them wishes to grow up healthya and happy and we make it a point not to mention marriage. They are five and two, why confuse them! But all the blessings I got and saw other girls getting involved getting a good husband. Yes, it is very important, but that is not the only thing.

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  21. Very well written, Ash !!! :)And I agree its the story of many a households in India. Why even mine too – http://umsreflections.wordpress.com/2009/12/15/6-year-penance/ – read it, to know how my mom literally did a thavam (penance) to get me married. Thank God, my S came by !!! :)I also happen to know a family friend, whose only daughter was so academically oriented. She did post-graduation – the parents grumblingly agreed. When she went on to do her Doctrate, they actually fought with her – if you keep on studying, how will we get a groom for you ??? And as u have rightly said, she compromised on all her ideals, while choosing one, as she was growing older !!!!

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  22. It is a painful scenario to see girls being forced into the institution of marriage.Education, career and everything else in life takes a second stand once the hurry to tie the knot for the 'daughter of the house.'It's an excellent thought provoking post Pinoo…let's hope our generation steps in to be the change we all have been wanting to see in the society.Keep up the good work :)Cheers!!

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  23. Nothing to add to what you guys have commented! The sad part is so many of you came up with real life experiences. I have seen a couple of friends in mine too…Things have to change and when, let's make an effort with our kids… I think that's the best we can do at the momentWelcome to PNA … Divya, Uma, The Survivor, Hip Gradma, Varsh, Parthasarathi:)))…hope to see u around soon :)Blogadda, thank uEnjoy the weekend peeps! cyaPNA/Pins/Pinoo/Pinny/Ashes/Ash

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  24. It is the Indian society which is to be blammed. The parents of the girl would not be that much worried about the delay in their daughter's marriage as the neighbours and the relatives of the girl.Congrats for Blogadda pick.

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  25. Yes totally agree with you, our basic thinking needs to undergo a change. NO matter how educated or self reliant a girl is, the minute she attains the 'marriagable age' the society will never let go of an opportunity to let her and her family know how much precious time they are losing out on. Pathetic! Brilliant post,PNA. And congratulations on Blogadda pick 🙂

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  26. People… Balvinder and Deeps It is the society who has made all these rules. They seem stupid now because times have changed from those when these rules were made! Why does the society stick on to outdated norms when people have progressed in a lot of ways in their lives… Beats me! Otherwise as Renu once said, I'm for many rules the society has come up with, a lot to do with the decorum and discipline of its citizens… but there should be amendments once there are changes!So when's the bill for Mentality change coming up!

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  27. Good post and congratulations on the Blogadda pick…I know what it is like…I was 28 and enjoying life when my mom started to get nervous…But at least I had till that age to do what I wanted…I always tell my daughter that she has to make her own life and enjoy it before she thinks of getting married…Let's see what happens…

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  28. Hip Grandma, Absolutely, there isn't an ideal or perfect match so to speak. We make it ideal for us by living well and happily. Yes many of the younger lot of these days are choosy, so choosy that reject good people because of some silly fantasy they don't cater too… and ultimately end up marrying somebody or the other. Thank u for pointing out Dhiman, even men over 30 who aren't married are pressurised.and looked at suspiciously these days…Of course there is an age to get married, but please leave the decision to the person concerned and their family and see to that they get married not out of pressure! Anecdote: One of my uncles, my mom's brother wanted a fair complexioned woman with knee long curly hair for a wife and the hunt began… we would have gone to at least a 50 households and his reasons for rejection were so flimsy… of! she has tires on her stomach and back, she does not know to drape a sari, or the coffee is so tasteless…and lo! when he married at last, my aunt is dusky or slightly to the dark complexioned types, almost no or little hair and of course, she has no tires on her stomach at least that much he got!!

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  29. You are so right about girls being groomed for marriage in our society. It really is sad that in a country where we worship a lot of "devis", the ordinary woman has limited choice. I think also the girls need to be brave to break out of these rules set for them by society. They need to break out of this archaic thinking that marriage is the sole purpose of life. Very good post. Thanks for dropping by my blog. I am so glad you did and I discovered your blog! Great work:)

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  30. Why do we train girls with the sole aim of marriage as their goal?? Now, THAT is a question I have always wondered about. When I argued with a friend that marriage is not the be-all and end-all in life for any one be it man or woman, he expressed surprise that it chould come from a 'happily married for more than a quarter century' person. But that again made me wonder, what has my successful married life have to do with others wanting to get married or not?? I don't have a daughter. But my sons are free to get married or not accoring to their wish. I have already started feeling the pressure though as one is 26. Aren't you looking for a girl for him?? sort of questions are thrown at me all the time. Excuse me, I tell them, he will find his own partner when/if he wants to. So kindly leave me alone! ;)Congrats on the Blogadda pick.

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  31. Interesting topic, as the pressure to get married rises, the girl has to increasingly agree to "settle" for whatever match comes in. Very sad state :(. Congrats on the blogadda pick. Came here via it.

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  32. Shail me thinks looking into other people's live is passtime for many in our society, especially enchroaching on issues which is none of their business whats so ever… maybe staying single is not a norm and is still considered to be a deviation, therefore, the negative vibes from so many ppl… or ppl are too jealous of singlehood:PHey arbitthots, Panorama: welcome here to PNA

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  33. very nicely written.. i think its time for the indian society to change.. even girls are going abroad for further studies and to grow in their career. What if she gets married at 27 or 28.. nothing wrong i believe..

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  34. Reblogged this on pins & ashes and commented:

    Now, why do we train our girls from childhood only to achieve the apex called marriage? I think there needs to be some kind of right handbook a how to broach the topic of marriage with their girl children, so that it does not remain the sole aim in their lives or their career goal. Aiming to be an excellent wife is one of the best career options in the world, but not at the cost of anybody’s mental health though!

    ps:1 (A post I had written more than a few years ago. certain factors are dated, but the overall content I think stands relevant even today..)
    ps2: been writing too many fun posts latelty, thought I’ll show you I have a serious self 😀

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  35. Truly amazing post! Now a days women are educated enough to make their decision except few who sticks to their parents considering age and pressure from the surroundings.

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  36. Yeah.. understanding your serious self Aswathy..this is a serious post revealing todays concerns..only change happened might be in the upper age limit..isn’t it..like 25-28..

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    1. (Well, I need to remind myself that I have a serious self some times.. ) I think so it has shifted, but the tension grows with age, with degree, with a higher salary, a higher position! a family friend who is a pilot, the one reason she does not get a groom is her very high salary!!

      Not sure! 🙂

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